Today is my little man's 4th birthday and while that doesn't really have anything to do with writing, it has everything to do with thoughts that have been going through my mind lately. I had one of those breakdown moments recently where I was ready to throw in the towel because I felt like I was lacking in so many areas as a mother. I felt like most of it was due to the time I've spent the past two and a half years writing and querying (which is over half the life of my little guy). And for a moment, I honestly thought to myself that I can't do both. Not anymore.
Obviously, it was in a moment of weakness, a moment of despair that I thought these thoughts, because I know that I've come so far, and I certainly can't quit now. But I guess I'm hoping for that silver lining. I guess I'm praying that this will be it, this will be my chance. I'm hoping this wonderful agent I sent the R&R to will love the changes I made and offer me representation (and thus begin my dream of working with one of the sweetest agents ever).
But I have to ask myself, what if she doesn't? Then what?
And the truth is, I don't know.
I still have agents with my old manuscript that I now need to contact and ask if they would like the revised copy. And, obviously, I need to do that sooner rather than later. But I'm tired. I'm tired of querying (not necessarily this book because I haven't sent that many queries yet, but I'm tired of querying in general.)
I suppose if I find myself still unagented after these revisions, then I guess I'll have to keep querying. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to the story. And I do know that my story is stronger, better than it was due to the suggestions of this fabulous agent who was willing to give me another chance to resubmit. I will always be grateful for that.
But for now, I'll keep hoping and praying.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you! Querying is never fun, for sure. (I've lost count of all the queries I've sent out in the past, only for it to end in failure, heh.) It can be really hard to stay motivated during this part of the process, so good luck not letting it get you down too much!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heather!! :)
DeleteHang in there, Kristin! While you're waiting to hear back from the agent, keep writing, keep living. And enjoy some birthday cake - yum!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Mmm, I do love birthday cake! :)
Delete"I owe it to myself." Truer words have never been spoken. Despair is so natural to writers we have to make sure it doesn't take over our lives. Just remember that your writing is for YOU to enjoy.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ken. Great words of advice! :)
DeleteYou totally shouldn't feel guilty. I know you're a wonderful mother. I think we try to be 'perfect' mothers, and nobody can be that, b/c humans aren't perfect! And just b/c we're moms, doesn't mean we can't feel passionate about other things in life. We need to! K, you obviously struck a point w/me here, lol! =) I've got nothing but good thoughts going for you and MoK!
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks. Hugs! You're the best. Don't know what I'd do without you. :)
DeleteYou've come this far. Just find a balance so you don't feel you're neglecting your son. (And happy birthday to him!) Besides, you are setting an example for him - never give up.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true! I hadn't thought about that... Thanks for putting it in perspective for me! :)
Deletedon't feel guilty!! I'm sure you're an AWESOME mom. and I'm not expert but I'm sure many moms feel the way you do at some point, but it's cray cray talk lol you are fine and balancing everything perfectly. hang in there!!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteLol. Yes, it is cray cray talk! Hehe. Love that expression!! And thanks, Beth. You've been awesome through this whole process! Hugs! :)
DeleteWhat's worse? Querying for half the life of your son? Or not putting your work out there and wondering what if when he's all grown up? I doubt you're neglecting him, so you should feel free to do something for you. Good luck with your R & R.
ReplyDeleteVery true! Thanks for putting it into perspective! :)
DeleteI have a kiddo who just turned four too! And I know exactly how you feel about querying and handling it all, because that's how I felt. I had done so many R&Rs without them panning out and I had had so many full requests - it's disheartening to get SO CLOSE only to still have your dream out of reach. I finally did sign with my agent after having a book deal from a small press. It seems like everything in publishing goes at a snails pace, except there are moments where everyone is sprinting like cheetahs. Hang in there. It will be worth it and it will get better. While things are discouraging now, looking back you'll realize that it all helped your book (and you) grow stronger.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tiana! It does help hearing everyone's own unique story. I'll just keep having hope. :)
DeleteI've been where you are! Truth is, even after you get an agent the discouragement doesn't go away. I've used motherhood as a righteous excuse to give up, but even that isn't nobel enough to sacrifice your dream! Keep praying and working, you will be blessed. And you'll be a better mother for setting an outstanding example of faith and patience and perseverance for your son!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Emily, for your words. I think you're right. It's so easy to beat ourselves up and analyze what we're not doing, but look at all we ARE doing. I'd never really thought about the example I'm hopefully setting. Thanks girl! :)
DeleteHappy Birthday to your little guy! A lot of us sacrificed a writing dream for children and jobs, but I wish I would have produced more then. Come to find out, my kids were proud I was a writer. He just needs to know his mommy loves him no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sharon. I do often wonder what my kids think. Are they proud? Or are they just sick of seeing me on my laptop? :)
DeleteHappy Belated Birthday! (That was to your son, not you, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind passing on the word. :))
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, making the choice between writing and family. But the giving goes both ways. You want them to be happy, and they want you to be happy. I think it might make them sad if you gave up writing. You do owe it to yourself, and I wish you great success!
It would definitely make me sad, that's for sure. I could never really give up, but I guess at times I do need to slow down. :)
DeleteAnd thanks for the birthday wishes for my son—you're so sweet! :)
If anyone understand what it feels like to throw in the mommy towel, you know I do. Do not judge yourself on today's events. (I'm talking motherhood.) The seeds you plant today take years to flourish. Trust me. We just went to our eleven year old's parent/teacher conferences last night. You and I have chatted before, so you know he's the youngest of four. As parents, we've grown lax, more like exhausted with parenting. It's tough, and by the time you get to the last kiddo in the line your favorite line is 'Whatever'. So there are many times we feel like failures with him. Now, saying that, last night we witnessed those seeds flourish a little. Basically every one of his teachers think he's brilliant. They want to test him for this program and that one, said they've never met such a nice, genuine, and helpful boy his age. We were both starring at each other like 'Are they serious? Did they miss his freak out this morning because we asked him to brush his dang teeth?' But you see, I guess we're doing okay. And so are you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteLol. It's so true! Thank you, Sheri, for sharing this with me. I totally needed to hear it! And interestingly enough, I had a similar experience at my parent/teacher conferences this week. It makes you realize that maybe you ARE doing something right after all! Great lesson to learn especially when you feel like a failure in so many aspects of parenting.
DeleteWhat if it doesn't? Yes, you send the revised manuscript to those other agents...and any other agents you're interested in. Story time: right before I landed my agent, a well-respected male agent asked me to turn my YA into a MG novel and send it back to him. I did...and he rejected it anyway. I sent it to my shortlist of agents and that's when I got my agent! Right before I landed my publishing deal, another major publisher was interested in that revised MG novel I mentioned above. We spoke on the phone, they sat on it for six months, and at the end, they decided not to take it. I felt so dejected but a couple of months later, I sold my first book...a different book from the one that landed my agent (which has never been published and probably never will be because it's about ghost hunters...and that topic is VERY last decade!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE story time!! Thank you for sharing your story! You are amazing and so inspiring! I am now ready to tweak my query and start submitting again! Thanks for the kick in the rear I needed. :)
DeleteDon't quit. I've been so close so many times to just giving up. You never know how close you might be! My "little man" will be 18 soon. Sniff. He's a senior this year. The years fly faster than you can imagine. Hang on tight!
ReplyDeleteI know! The years go by so fast! When my little guy is 18, I think I'll be a mess. I just want them to stay little forever! :)
DeleteI once had an R and R with an agent that taught me so much and made that particular story so much stronger. I didn't land that agent, but I got a lot out of the experience. It was crushing to get another "no", but since all that feedback was free, it was worth the time and effort to go through the query process.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it may be time to query a few mid to small publishers. Sometimes agents will hop on board after you have an interested publisher. And if not, that's okay. The publisher is the end game anyway and an agent doesn't guarantee you'll get a contract.
ReplyDelete