Friday, December 19, 2014

Deja Vu Blogfest: Are you gonna try for a girl?


Today, I'm participating in the Deja Vu Blogfest hosted by DL Hammons. In honor of this blogfest, I'm re-posting one of my favorite blog posts from this year. This post you're about to read is one of the very first ones I put on my blog when I started it almost a year ago. Hope you enjoy! 


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Clearly, when we're out in public as a family, five boys is somewhat of a head turner. So, I often hear from the waitress at the restaurant or the cashier scanning the groceries at the store, "Are they all yours?" Followed by, "All boys?"

Yep, the last time I checked they were all boys. And unless I have a crazy sign attached to my back, why in the world would I voluntarily take other people's children to the grocery store? Doesn't make sense.

But my favorite question—the one I get the most, which is amazing considering how personal it is—"Are you gonna try for a girl?"

Hmm, let me think about that one. 

I'm always very nice in my response because truthfully, for a long time, we WERE trying for a girl. I just knew I was meant to have a daughter swaddled in pink with a future of tea parties, Barbies, and prom dresses. Not to mention one day having the opportunity to plan an elaborate and detailed wedding reception. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

I thought I was having a girl once. My first child in fact. We were told by the ultrasound tech that she was 99.9% sure (never trust the ultrasound) we were having a girl. So, for the next few months, I lived in a world of frilly dresses and pink ballet slippers, and the birth of our daughter Kylie couldn't come soon enough. 

I'm sure you can imagine my shock after I gave birth to our "daughter," and the doctor proudly declared, "It's a BOY!" And what a beautiful little boy he was, chunky and dimply, and yet, I couldn't shake the nagging thought, "Where's Kylie?"

As I lay in the hospital bed with my husband asleep on the couch across the room and my beautiful boy in a bassinet beside me, I cried for the daughter I'd never have, for the loss of the little girl I had carried inside me for nine months. Those who have never experienced this sudden shock will have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sure many will think, how could I not be happy for a beautiful, healthy child, no matter the gender? And I was happy. Very happy. But I was also sad that the bond I'd formed with a daughter named Kylie, was nothing more than a memory. She didn't exist. And I had to come to terms with that. Over the next couple days in the hospital, I grew to love the baby boy who had no name. Now, I can't imagine my life without him or the four other little boys we've been blessed with.

So, when people ask me, "Are you gonna try for a girl?" my answer now is invariably the same: "No, we're good." For a brief moment in my mind, I had a daughter. Now, I think I'll settle for a granddaughter swaddled in pink with a future of tea parties, Barbies, and prom dresses. 

23 comments:

  1. I've never had a child, but I can definitely see how it'd be jarring to learn the ultrasound was wrong after all those months. Hope your future does contain a granddaughter! :)

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  2. Be funny if you get all girls as grandkids!

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    1. Yeah, or it could be a nightmare. After all these boys, will I even know what to do with a granddaughter? :)

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  3. what a wonderful post, Kristin!! It reminds me of one of my favorite books, "My Life Next Door," by Huntley Fitzpatrick. The MC falls in love with her neighbor and he's one of...I think seven or eight? I can't remember--they were boys and girls, but they dealt with those "Are they all yours?" comments a lot when the mother would go out grocery shopping. It's really insensitive. And I can't even imagine thinking for 9 months it's a girl and the shock that would come! Your boys all sound so wonderful!! :)

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    1. I've never read that one! I'll have to check it out...we already know we have similar tastes in books. :)

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  4. Oh....I LOVED this post so much! Pat on the back to me for inventing this blogfest and allowing me the opportunity to read this. I felt your brief sadness...and it saddened me...and that is a testament to your writing. Thank you so much for re-sharing this with us! :)

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    1. Yes! What a GREAT idea you had! Such a fun blogfest and way to get our posts out there that might have been overlooked. Thanks for hosting, DL! And for your compliment. Means a lot...

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  5. What a wonderful post! Don't ever feel you owe an explanation.

    Besides: I came from a family of all boys and I turned out great! OK -- technically, I was an only-child, but the sentiment still holds... ;)

    Happy Deja Vu!

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    1. Haha! All boys...love it! Thanks for stopping by! :)

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  6. I find it weird when people ask me whether or not I'm planning on having any more kids. I mean, it's not really their business. But instead, I have to keep on coming up with reasons they'll understand about why I only have one child, because I don't want to go into all the details about why I can't. It's funny how much complete strangers feel like they have a right to comment on your life!

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    1. That's so hard. People should be more sensitive when it comes to things like that. You never know what someone is going through. It is amazing what perfect strangers say...

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  7. We stopped at two, one of each. Never even thought about what it would be like to have all boys. So thanks for giving me a new point of view. I do have a friend with four girls - I'm sure she's been asked if she's going to have a boy. Great post!

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  8. My mum was sure I'd be another boy. I can assure you I'm not, although I did get to wear a lot of second hand boys clothes when I was little. My aunt (her sister) wasn't so 'lucky' - like you she had five boys. I don't know whether she ever expected a girl, though.

    Lovely post, and I feel for that lost daughter of yours.

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    1. Thank you, Jemima.

      And wow, another saintly woman with five boys! Hehe, couldn't resist. :)

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  9. Why people feel the need to comment on things that are none of their business...

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  10. I had my kids (both boys) back in the days before ultrasounds gave away the secret of gender. We depended on intuition and various forms of guessing and fully expected to be surprised. I wonder if it wasn't better that way.

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  11. I totally felt your sadness and my heart went out to you. I can only imagine how devastated those first few hours and days were for you, realizing that your reality of having a girl was but a fantasy. Thank you for sharing your very personal story with us. And people and their comments! Aren't they just downright rude? Sometimes --no, most times-- people simply don't think! That's kinda what my post is about too. If only people would take a few seconds to THINK before they speak! This was a great choice for the Deja Vu repost. i hope you're having as much fun with it as I am. I'm glad to have found you!
    Happy holidays,
    michele at Angels Bark

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  12. As the mom of two girls, I understand where you are coming from. Total strangers would ask me if we were going to try for a boy. I came up with a whole list of snappy comebacks but never used any of them. Enjoy your boys!

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  13. I used to get a lot of those comments, and I only had TWO boys! (Now that they are teens and I rather publicly celebrated the half-century, people have stopped asking). I would just note that I have six nephews. My husband has three. And there hasn't been a girl in either family since I was born.

    On a related note, I used to do babysitting exchanges with a friend who has a blonde daughter the same age as the younger of my blond boys. My boys were always the same size (despite 18 months between them), so they all three looked about the same age. She sometimes got people exclaiming over her "triplets" and wondering how she managed (not sure why this didn't happen to me when I had all three!). She would just smile and make some airy comment about handling it fine.

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  14. I was so sure I was going to have a girl, so I was actually a tad disappointed when the ultrasound showed 'boy' with very little doubt. I can't imagine planning for a girl for the entire pregnancy and having a boy appear. It would make sense that you'd mourn the daughter that you were expecting.

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  15. We used to get asked if we were growing our own football (soccer) team! Briefly I have 2 step-sons and 3 birth sons, I lost 2 (my soul tells me they were girls) so we decided to adopt to complete our family. My vision on a little girl wearing pretty dresses and ballet shoes is half correct - she's a girl all right, but with 5 brothers she is every inch a tomboy and even wearing a dress for a party is an experience in the art of negotiation! But I accept what we have and wouldn't change them for the world :) xx

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